without you.»
«Kosher? Philip saidthat ?» asked Julius.
«Well, no,” said Rebecca, «come to think of it,kosher was my term, not his. But
that was his meaning, and I told him that we often had a postgroup session at the coffee
shop and that you`ve never raised objections about it except to insist that we debrief
everyone who wasn`t there in the next meeting so that there be no secrets.»
It was good that Rebecca and Gill gave Julius time to calm himself. His mind
churned with negativity:That ungrateful prick, that undercutting bastard. I try to do
something for him, and this is what I get for it—no good deed goes unpunished. And I can
just imagine how little he told the group about himself and why he had been in therapy
with me in the first place.... I`d lay big money that he conveniently forgot to tell the group
that he had screwed about a thousand women without an ounce of care or compassion
for a single one of them.
But he kept all these thoughts to himself and gradually cleansed his mind of rancor
by considering the events following the last meeting. He realized thatof course the group
would have pressured Philip to attend a postgroup coffee and that Philip would have been
swayed by the group pressure to attend—indeed he himself was at fault for not having
informed Philip about these periodic postgroup get–togethers. And,of course, the group
would have questioned Philip about why he was in therapy—Gill was right—the group
never failed to pose this question to a new member, andof course Philip would have to
reveal the story of their unusual history and subsequent contract for therapy—what
choice did he have? As for his distributing medical information on malignant
melanoma—that was Philip`s own idea, no doubt his way of ingratiating himself with the
group.
Julius felt wobbly, couldn`t pull off a smile, but braced himself and continued.
«Well, I`ll do my best to talk about this. Rebecca, let me take a good look at that sheet.»
Julius quickly scanned it. «These medical facts seem accurate so I won`t repeat them, but
I`ll just fill you in on my experience. It started with my doctor spotting an unusual mole
on my back, which a biopsy confirmed was a malignant melanoma. Of course that`s why
I canceled the group—had a rough couple of weeks, really rough, letting it sink in.»
Julius`s voice quavered. «As you see, it`s still rough.» He paused, took a deep breath, and
continued. «My doctors can`t predict my future, but what is important here is they feel
strongly that I have at least a year of good health ahead. So this group will be open for
business as usual for the twelve months. No, wait, let me put it this way: health
permitting, I commit myself to meet with you for one more year, at which time the group
will terminate. Sorry to be clumsy about it, but I`ve had no practice at this.»
«Julius, is this seriously life threatening?» asked Bonnie. «Philip`s Internet
information...all these statistics based on stages of the melanoma.»
«Straight question and the straight answer is вЂyes`—definitely life threatening. The
chances are good that this thing will get me in the future. I know that wasn`t an easy
question to ask, but I appreciate your straightforwardness, Bonnie, because I`m like most
people with major illness—I hate everyone to be pussyfooting around. That would just
isolate and frighten me. I`ve got to get used to my new reality. I don`t like it, but life as a
healthy carefree person—well,that life is definitely coming to an end.»
«I`m thinking of what Philip said to Gill last week. I wonder—is there something
of value in there for you, Julius? asked Rebecca. «I`m not sure if it was in the coffee shop
or here in the group—but it had to do with defining yourself or your life by your
attachments. Do I have it right, Philip?»
«When I spoke to Gill last week,” said Philip, speaking in a measured tone and
avoiding eye contact, «I pointed out that the more attachments one has, the more
burdensome life becomes and the more suffering one experiences when one is separated
from these attachments. Schopenhauer and Buddhism both hold that one must release
oneself from attachments and—”
«I don`t think that is helpful to me,” interrupted Julius, «and I`m also not sure if
this is where this meeting should be going.» He noted a quick pregnant glance passing
between Rebecca and Gill but continued, «I come in on that in the opposite way:
attachments, and plenty of them, are the indispensable ingredients of a full life, and to
avoid attachments because of anticipated suffering is a sure recipe for being only partially
alive. I don`t mean to cut you off, Rebecca, but I think it more to the point to go back to
your reactions, everyone`s reactions, to the announcement I`ve made. Obviously, learning
of my cancer has got to stir up strong feelings. I`ve known many of you for a long time.»
Julius stopped talking and looked around at his patients.
Tony, who had been slumped in his chair, stirred himself. «Well, I had a jolt when
you said earlier that what should be important to us was how long you could continue to
lead this group—that comment got under my skin, thick–skinned as I`ve been accused of
being. Now, I don`t deny that crossed my mind, but, Julius, I`m mostly upset at what this
means foryou. ...I mean, let`s face it, you`ve been pretty, I mean...really,important to
me, helped me get over some really bad stuff.... I mean, is there something I, we, can do
for you? This has gotta be terrible for you.»
«Ditto for me,” said Gill, and all the others (save Philip) joined in assent.
«I`m going to respond, Tony, but first say how touched I am and how impossible it
would have been for you, a couple of years ago, to be so direct and to reach out so
generously. But to answer your question, it`s been terrible. My feelings come in waves. I
hit bottom the first couple of weeks when I canceled the group. Did a lot of nonstop
talking to my friends, my whole support network. Right now, at this moment, I`m doing
better. You get used to everything, even mortal illness. Last night the refrain вЂLife is just
one goddamned loss after another` kept passing through my mind.»
Julius stopped. No one spoke. Everyone stared at the floor. Julius added, «I want to
deal with it openly...willing to discuss everything...I won`t shy away from
anything...but unless you ask something specific, I`m talked out now plus I don`t feel I
need the whole meeting to be given to me today. I want to say I have energy to work with
you here in my usual way. In fact it`s important to me that we go on as we always have.»
After a short silence Bonnie said, «I`ll be honest, Julius, there`s something I could
work on, but I don`t know...my problems seem insignificant compared to what you`re
going through.»
Gill looked up and added, «Me, too. My stuff—whether or not I learn to talk to my
wife, stay with her, or leave the sinking ship—all that seems trivial in comparison.»
Philip took that as his cue. «Spinoza was fond of using a Latin phrase,sub specie
aeternitatis, meaning вЂfrom the aspect of eternity.` He suggested that disturbing quotidian
events become less unsettling if they are viewed from the aspect of eternity. I believe that
concept may be an underappreciated tool in psychotherapy. Perhaps,” and here Philip
turned and addressed Julius directly, «it may offer a form of solace to even the kind of
serious assault you`re facing.»
«I can see you`re trying to offer me something, Philip, and I appreciate that. But
right now the idea of taking a cosmic–eye view of life is the wrong flavor of medicine.
Let me tell you why. Last night I didn`t sleep well and got to feeling sad for not having
appreciated what I had at the very moment it was happening. When I was young, I always
regarded the present as a prelude to something better that was going to occur. And then,
the years passed, I suddenly found myself doing the opposite—I was bathing myself in
nostalgia. What I`ve not done enough of is to treasure each moment, and that`s the
problem with your solution of detachment. I think it faces life through the wrong end of
the telescope.»
«I gotta come in here, Julius,” said Gill, «with an observation: I don`t think there`s
much chance you`re going to accept anything that Philip says.»
«An observation I`ll always pay attention to, Gill. But that`s an opinion. Where`s
the observation?»
«Well, the observation is that you`re just not respecting anything he offers.»
«I know what Julius would say about that, Gill,” said Rebecca. «It`s still not an
observation; it`s a guess about his feelings. What I observe»—she turned to Julius—«is
that this is the first time you and Philip have addressed one another even halfway directly
and that you have interrupted Philip a few times today, something I never see you do with
anyone else.»
«TouchГ©, Rebecca,” answered Julius. «Right on—a direct and accurate
observation.»
«Julius,” said Tony, «I`m not getting the picture at all. You and Philip—what`s
going on?—I don`t get it. Is he right when he says you phoned him out of the blue?»
Julius sat with his head bowed for a few minutes and then said, «Yes, I can see
how confusing this must be for all of you. Okay, here it is straight. Or as straight as my
memory permits. After my diagnosis, I fell into real despair. I felt I had gotten a death
sentence, and I was staggered by it. Among other dark thoughts I began to question
whether anything I had done in my life had any enduring meaning whatsoever. I slogged
around in that question for a day or two, and, since my life is so intertwined with my
work, I began thinking of patients I`d seen in the past. Had I really, permanently, affected
anyone`s life? I felt I had no time to waste, and so, on the spot, I decided to contact some
of my old patients. Philip was the first person, and so far the only one, I reached.»
«And why select Philip?» asked Tony.
«That`s the sixty–four–thousand–dollar question—or maybe that`s dated—is it the
sixty–four–million–dollar question these days? Short answer: I`m not sure. I`ve wondered
about it a lot. It wasn`t smart of me because if I wanted reassurance of my worth, there
are a lot of better candidates. Try as hard as I did for a full three years, I didn`t help
Philip. Maybe I was hoping that he would report some delayed effect of therapy—some
patients report such a thing. But it didn`t turn out that way for him. Maybe I was being
masochistic—wanted to rub my nose in it. Maybe I chose my biggest failure in order to
give myself a second chance. I admit it—I frankly don`t know my motives. And then
during the course of our discussion Philip told me of his career change and asked if I
would be willing to be his supervisor. Philip,” Julius turned to face Philip, «I assume you
filled the group in on this?»
«I provided the necessary details.»
«Can you be a little more cryptic?»
Philip looked away, the rest of the group looked uncomfortable, and after a long
silence Julius said, «I apologize for the sarcasm, Philip, but can you see where your
answer left me?»
«As I said, I provided the necessary details to the others,” Philip said.
Bonnie turned to face Julius: «I`ll be upfront. This feels unpleasant, and I`m
rescuing you. I don`t think you need to be hassled today—I think you need to be taken
care of. Please, what can we do for you, today?»
«Thanks, Bonnie, you`re right, I am shaky today—your question`s a lovely one,
but I`m not sure I can answer it. I`ll tell you all a big secret: there have been times I`ve
entered this room feeling bad because of some personal issues and left feeling better just
as a result of being a part of this terrific group. So maybe that`s the answer to your
question. The best thing for me is simply for all of you to use the group and not let my
situation bring us to a total stop.»
After a short silence Tony said, «Tough assignment with what`s gone down today.»
«Right,” said Gill. «It`ll feel awkward to talk about anything else.»
«These are the times I miss Pam,” said Bonnie. «She was the one who always knew
what to do—no matter how awkward the situation.»
«Funny, I was thinking about her earlier too,” said Julius.
«It must be telepathy,” said Rebecca. «Just a minute ago Pam went through my
mind also. It was when Julius talked about successes and failures.» She turned to Julius:
«I know she was your favorite child in our family here—and that`s not a question—it`s so
obvious. What I`m wondering is whether you feel like you failed with her—you know,
her taking a couple of months off to seek another kind of therapy because we couldn`t
help her. That can`t be great for your self–esteem.»
Julius gestured toward Philip. «Maybe you should fill him in.»
«Pam`s a real force here,” Rebecca said to Philip, who did not meet her eyes. «Both
her marriage and a relationship with a lover fell apart. She decided to leave her marriage
but then the lover opted not to leave his wife. She got upset with both men and obsessed
about them day and night. Try as we could, we never found a way to help her. In
desperation she took off for India to seek help from a famous guru at a Buddhist
meditation retreat.»
Philip made no response.
Rebecca turned back to face Julius. «So how did you feel about her taking off?»
«You know, up to about fifteen years ago I would have been very uptight—more
than that, I might even have taken a strong stand against it and insisted that her search for
another form of enlightenment was just resistance to change. I`ve changed. Now I feel I
need all the help I can get. And I`ve found that participation in some other mode of
growth, even flaky stuff, can often open up new areas for our therapeutic work. And I
sure hope that will be true for Pam.»
«It may have been not a flaky but an excellent choice for her,” said Philip.
«Schopenhauer felt positive about Eastern meditative practice and its emphasis on mind
clearing, on seeing through illusion, and its approach to relieving suffering by teaching
the art of letting go of attachments. In fact, he was the first to introduce Eastern thought
into Western philosophy.»
Philip`s comment was made to no one in particular, and no one responded. Julius
felt irritated about hearing Schopenhauer`s name so often but kept it to himself as he
noted several members nodding in appreciation of Philip`s remarks.
After a brief silence Stuart commented, «Shouldn`t we go back to where we were a
few minutes ago when Julius said that what would be best for him would be for us to get
