men.... I must therefore not be depressed when I consider how I
lack those things that are part of an individual`s regular course of
life.... therefore it cannot surprise me if my personal life seems
incoherent and without any plan.» Schopenhauer`s belief in his
genius served also to provide him with a perduring sense of life
meaning: throughout his life he regarded himself as a missionary
of truth to the human race.
Loneliness was the demon that most plagued Schopenhauer,
and he grew adept at constructing defenses against it. Of these, the
most valuable was the conviction that he was master of his
destiny—that he chose loneliness; loneliness did not choose him.
When he was younger, he stated, he was inclined to be sociable,
but thereafter: «I gradually acquired an eye for loneliness, became
systematically unsociable and made up my mind to devote entirely
to myself the rest of this fleeting life.» «I am not,” he reminded
himself repeatedly, «in my native place and not among beings who
are my equal.»
So the defenses against isolation were powerful and deep: he
voluntarily chose isolation, other beings were unworthy of his
company, his genius–based mission in life mandated isolation, the
life of geniuses must be a «monodrama,” and the personal life of a
genius must serve one purpose: facilitating the intellectual life
(hence, «the smaller the personal life, the safer, and thus the
better»).
At times Schopenhauer groaned under the burden of his
isolation. «Throughout my life I have felt terribly lonely and have
always sighed from the depths of my heart, вЂnow give me a human
being` but, alas in vain. I have remained in solitude but I can
honestly and sincerely say it has not been my fault, for I have not
shunned or turned away anyone who was a human being.»
Besides, he said, he was not really alone because—and here
is another potent self–therapy strategy—he had his own circle of
close friends: the great thinkers of the world.
Only one such being was a contemporary, Goethe; most of
the others were from antiquity, especially the Stoics, whom he
quoted frequently. Almost every page of «About Me» contains
some aphorism spawned by a great mind supporting his own
convictions. Typical examples:
The best aid for the mind is that which once for all breaks the
tormenting bonds that ensnare the heart.—Ovid
Whoever seeks peace and quiet should avoid women, the
permanent source of trouble and dispute.—Petrarch
It is impossible for anyone not to be perfectly happy who
depends entirely upon himself and who possesses in himself all
that he calls his.—Cicero
A technique used by some leaders of therapy or personal
growth groups is the «who am I?» exercise; members write seven
answers to the question «who am I?» each on a different card, and
then arrange the cards in order of importance. Next they are asked
to turn over one card at a time, beginning with the most peripheral
answer and to meditate upon what it would be like to let go of (that
is, disidentify with) each answer until they get to the attributes of
their core self.
In an analogous manner, Schopenhauer tried on and
discarded various self attributes until he arrived at what he
considered his core self.
When, at times, I felt unhappy it was because I took myself to
be other than I was and then deplored that other person`s
misery and distress. For example, I took myself to be a lecturer
who does not become a professor and has no one to hear his
lectures; or to be one about whom this Philistine speaks ill or
that scandal monger gossips; or to be the lover who is not
listened to by the girl with whom he is infatuated; or to be the
patient who is kept home by illness; or to be other persons
afflicted with similar miseries. I have not been any of these; all
this is the stuff from which the coat has been made which I
wore for a short time and which I then discarded in exchange
for another.
But, then,who am I? I am the man who has writtenThe
World as Will and Representation which has given a solution
to the great problem of existence which perhaps will render
obsolete all previous solutions.... I am that man, and what
could disturb him in the few years in which he has still to draw
breath.
A related soothing strategy was his conviction that sooner or
later, probably after his death, his work would become known and
would drastically alter the course of philosophic inquiry. He first
began expressing this opinion early in life, and his belief in
ultimate success never wavered. In this he was similar to both
Nietzsche and Kierkegaard, two other independent and
unappreciated thinkers who were entirely (and correctly)
convinced that they would have posthumous fame.
He eschewed any supernatural consolations, embracing only
those based on a naturalistic worldview. For example, he believed
that pain ensues from the error of assuming that many of life`s
exigencies are accidental and, hence, avoidable. Far better to
realize the truth: that pain and suffering are inevitable, inescapable,
and essential to life—«that nothing but the mere form in which it
manifests itself depends on chance, and that our present suffering
fills a place...which, without it, would be occupied by some other
suffering. If such a reflection were to become a living conviction,
it might produce a considerable degree of stoical equanimity.»
He urged us to live and experience lifenow rather than live
for the «hope» of some future good. Two generations later
Nietzsche would take up this call. He considered hope our greatest
scourge and pilloried Plato, Socrates, and Christianity for focusing
our attention away from the only life that we have and toward
some future illusory world.
_________________________
Where are there
any real
monogamists? We
all live for a
time and, most
of us, always,
in polygamy.
And since every
man needs many
women, there is
nothing fairer
than to make it
incumbent upon
him to provide
for many women.
This will
reduce woman to
her true and
natural
position as a
subordinate
being.
_________________________
Pam opened the next meeting. «I`ve got something to announce
today.»
All heads turned toward her.
«Today is confession time. Go ahead, Tony.»
Tony bolted upright, stared at Pam for a long moment, then
leaned back in his chair, crossed his arms, and closed his eyes. If
he had been wearing a fedora, he would have pushed it down over
his face.
Pam, surmising that Tony had no intention of commenting,
continued in her clear bold voice, «Tony and I have been sexually
involved for a while, and it`s hard for me to keep coming here and
be silent about it.»
After a short charged silence came stuttered questions:
«Why?» «What started this?» «How long?» «How could you?»
«Where is it going?»
Quickly, coolly, Pam responded, «It`s been going on for
several weeks. I don`t know about the future, don`t know what
started it; it wasn`t premeditated but just happened one evening
after a meeting.»
«You going to join us today, Tony?» Rebecca asked gently.
Tony slowly opened his eyes. «It`s all news to me.»
«News? You saying that this is not true?»
«No. I mean confession day. This вЂgo ahead, Tony`—
thatwas news to me.»
«You don`t look happy about it,” said Stuart.
Tony turned to address Pam: «I mean, I was over at your
place last night. Being intimate, you know. Intimacy—how many
time have I heard here that broads are more sensitive and want
more intimacy than plain old sexual intimacy? So why not be
intimate enough to talk to me, to run this вЂconfession day` by me
first?»
«Sorry,” Pam said, without sounding sorry, «things weren`t
sitting right with me. After you left I was up much of the night
brooding and thinking about the group, and I realized time was too
short—we`ve got only six more meeting left. Am I counting right,
Julius?»
«Right. Six more meetings.»
«Well, it just hit me how much I was betraying you, Julius.
And my contract here with everyone else. And betraying myself,
too.»
«I never put it all together,” said Bonnie, «but I`ve had a
feeling that something wasn`t right the last several meetings.
You`ve been different, Pam. I remember Rebecca sensing that
more than once. You rarely talk about your own issues—I have no
idea what`s going on between you and John or whether your ex–husband`s in the picture or not. Mostly what you`ve been doing is
attacking Philip.»
«And Tony, you too,” added Gill. «Now that I think about it,
you`ve been real different. You`ve been hiding out. I`ve missed the
old free–swinging Tony.»
«I`ve got some thoughts here,” said Julius. «First, something
Pam touched off with her use of the wordcontract. I know this is
repetitious, but it bears repeating for any of you who may be in a
group in the future»—Julius glanced at Philip—«or even lead a
group. Theonly contract any of us have is to do our best to explore
our relationship with everyone in the group. The danger of an out–of–group relationship is thatit jeopardizes the therapy work. How
does it do that?Because people in a tight relationship will often
value that relationship more than the therapy work. Look, it`s
precisely what`s happened here: not only have Pam and Tony
hidden their own relationship—that`s understandable—but as a
result of their personal involvement they`ve backed off from their
therapy work here.»
«Until today,” said Pam.
«Absolutely, until today—and I applaud what you`ve done,
and applaud your decision to bring it to the group. You know what
my question`s going to be for both you and Tony:why now ?
You`ve known each other in the group about two and a half years.
Yetnow things change. Why? What happened a few weeks ago that
prompted the decision to get together sexually?»
Pam turned to Tony, raising her eyebrows, cueing him to
answer. He complied. «Gentlemen first? My turn again? No
problem; I know exactly what changed: Pam crooked her finger
and signaled вЂokay.` I`ve had a perpetual hard–on for her since we
started, and if she`d crooked her finger six months ago or two
years ago I would`ve come then too. Call me вЂMister Available.`”
«Hey, that`s the Tony I know and love,” said Gill.
«Welcome back.»
«It`s not hard to figure out why you`ve been different,
Tony,” said Rebecca. «You`re getting it on with Pam, and you
didn`t want to do anything to screw it up. It`s reasonable. So you
hide out, cautious about showing any of your not–so–nice parts.»
«The jungle part, you mean?» said Tony. «Maybe, maybe
not—it`s not all that simple.»
«Meaning?» asked Rebecca.
«Meaning the вЂnot–so–nice part` is a turn–on for Pam. But I
don`t want to get into that.»
«Why not?»
«Come on, Rebecca, it`s obvious. Why are you putting me
on the spot? If I keep talking like this, I can kiss my relationship
with Pam good–bye.»
«You sure?» persisted Rebecca.
«What do you think? I figure her bringing it up at all in the
group says it`s a done deal, that she`s made up her mind. It`s
getting warm here—hot seat`s getting hot.»
Julius repeated his question to Pam about the timing of her
affair with Tony, to which Pam was uncharacteristically tentative.
«I can`t get perspective on it. I`m too close. I do know that there
wasn`t any forethought, no planning—it was an impulsive act. We
were having coffee after a meeting, just the two of us, because all
you guys went off in your own direction. He invited me to get
some dinner—he`s done that often, but this time I suggested he
come to my place and have some homemade soup. He did, and
things got out of hand. Why that day and not earlier? I can`t say.
We`ve hung out together in the past: I`ve talked to Tony about
literature, given him books to read, encouraged him to go back to
school, and he`s taught me about woodwork and helped me build a
TV stand, a small table. You`ve all known that. Why it got sexual
now? I don`t know.»
«Are you okay about trying to find out? I know it`s not easy
to talk about something so intimate in the presence of a lover,” said
Julius.
«I`ve come here resolved to work today.»
«Good, here`s the question: think back to the group—what
were the important things going on when this began?»
«Since I returned from India, two things have loomed large.
Your health is number one. I once read a crackpot article stating
that people pair in groups in the unconscious hope their offspring
will provide a new leader, but that`s far out. Julius, I don`t know
about how your illness might have prompted me to get more
involved with Tony. Maybe the fear of the group ending caused me
to seek a more personal permanent bond; maybe I irrationally
thought this might keep the group continuing after the year. I`m
guessing.»
«Groups,” said Julius, «are like people: they don`t want to
die. Perhaps your relationship with Tonywas a convoluted way to
keep it alive. All therapy groups try to continue, to have regular
reunions—but they rarely do so. Like I`ve said many times here,
the group is not life;it`s a dress rehearsal for life. We`ve all got to
find a way to transfer what we learn here to our life in the real
world. End of lecture.
«But, Pam,” Julius continued, «you mentionedtwo things
loom large: one was my health and the other was...”
«It`s Philip. I`ve been preoccupied with him. I hate that he`s
here. You`ve said that his presence may ultimately be a boon to
me, and I trust you, but so far he`s been nothing but a blight, with
maybe one exception; I`m so caught up in my hatred for him that
my preoccupation with Earl and John has vanished. And I don`t
think it`s coming back.»
«So,” Julius persisted, «so Philip looms large. Is it possible
that Philip`s presence plays some role in the timing of your affair
with Tony?»
«Anything`s possible.»
«Any hunches?»
Pam shook her head. «I don`t see it. I`d vote for sheer
horniness. I haven`t been with a man for months. That`s rare for
me. I think it`s no more complicated than that.»
«Reactions?» Julius scanned the room.
Stuart jumped in, his keen, orderly mind clicking. «There`s
